Marroon

I spent last Friday night hanging out at Maui & Missy's with all the laptops and hard drives in the world. It was a lot of fun and here are the pictures.
Missy's art was everywhere and utterly fascinating, so I may have gone overboard on the place pictures, but I also got plenty of the folks who were there.

I am alive and doing well. Working at the mortgage office is going well and getting better. The holidays were good and I've been having a lot of fun with friends.

I've been living online more and have a few links to throw up here.
I've got a craft blog I just started: http://luckycrafts.blogspot.com/
My new phone has a camera, so I've got pics from the holidays: http://picasaweb.google.com/hburns
I've been obsessively collecting knitting and crafting blogs: http://del.icio.us/LuckyHeather/knitblog
I also have a youtube account with a couple video blogs (I'll send the link to friends)

On the horizon, Frolicon is coming up and I'm looking forward to kinky fun. In the meantime preparing for it is fun.

I thought I would get my pictures up first. My apologies to people's faces, I do much better with inanimate objects. It was a lovely and fun wedding. Best wishes to the bride and groom!

My sister is exercising and I'm pretending to participate. I changed clothes and everything. She dances for exercise a few times a week. It's a little unstructured for me, but she's naturally driven. I want to start doing my belly dance dvds again.

I went with my folks to visit my brother in Athens yesterday. He's living on his own for the first time. It's a nice one-bedroom in East Athens. We spent the day shopping and he filled out some job applications.

I've been trying to keep in touch with friends. I chat with Sepideh online. She's looking at houses, which blows me away. I'm glad she's being successful. I talk to Mark on the phone pretty regularly. He's writing a paper on necromancy, which is totally his area (although not as weird as it sounds). He's also writing a program to organize notes and help compose papers - I'm waiting patiently to use it myself. I haven't talked to Kat lately. I'd like to. Especially since Mardi Gras is going on. I don't know whether or not she went, but she deserved to go first class. Janel is having her gallbladder out. I hope that goes perfectly.

I'm in classes in Milledgeville. I'm working on a couple big papers. One is about women in the civil rights movement in Milledgeville. The other is for my feminist philosophy class. It's about international human rights and activism. Work on both of them is going slow. I've been depressed girl. She's not productive.

I'm a part of the community chorus here. We're prepping a concert of spirituals for May. I've got a little solo. It can be a lot of fun, singing with everyone.

I've got a lot I'm going through now, but I feel like things are getting better. I looking forward to a bright spring. Gotta get back to dancing w/my sister.

(btw,I got an honorable mention for my Persephone costume at the sexxxy halloween party.)

I've been really excited about Halloween this year. I made a Persephone costume, which I enjoyed immensely. I've already been to one party (the Pagan Students Ball at UGA) and am looking forward to another (SeXXXy Halloween.) It's a toga, so it didn't require much sewing, but I spent some time on the accessories - brooches, crown, that kind of thing. I might add more before this weekend, especially because it doesn't qualify as sexxxy, so much as attractive or possibly frumpy(it's a toga, what can I say?) Of course, last year I went as Mr. Rogers, so it is an improvement.

I'm ready to see everyone in Atlanta again. Much like last year, I am living at home this fall. Actually, I'm here indefinitely - until I earn a degree or am struck with amazing success. I'm not too hung up about it though. I've moved into the building next door to my parents house. It used to be a dentist's office and my dad bought it a few years ago to store files. I have had the best time decorating it. Now I just need some people to visit.

If you're wondering how I ended up in Milledgeville (my hometown) again, it's because I keep making the same mistakes. Last Spring (2004), I took my six-week teaching course for the first time and took an incomplete because I didn't finish the final project. This Spring, I took the course again and had intermittent anxiety attacks which helped me to miss just enough days to not pass (I got a C, not a B.) I did, however, submit the final project on time. So, now my plan is to stay sane as long as possible while I finish the coursework in Milledgeville and not Atlanta (assuming the bureaucracy of two colleges doesn't screw me in the crossfire.)

Blah. I know this is a lot of complaining and pessimism, but I really am doing well. I've spent time on artwork and joined the community choir. I'm trying to live now, instead of tomorrow. We'll see how it goes :)

Ok, a quiz is a dumb post if I'm going to do it so rarely, so I guess I'll describe what's happened in my life. I'm still living with my aunt in Griffin, technically attending school and trying to find a job. By technically, I mean that I don't go to class - the last six weeks of the semester I'll do a practicum in a local middle school, writing lesson plans and scaring prepubescent kids. I did this practicum the same time last year, but school seems to be working on a recurring loop for me. I spent last summer and this fall working for my dad and waiting to go back to school, I guess.
On the social front, it was an interesting year. Mark and I broke up last June, so I spent the summer casually dating several people. I think it's the first time I've ever really done that. I did go steady with one guy for a while. His name was Kevin and we met at DragonCon. He was innocent and sweet. It was refreshing. Until I realized that I'm not innocent and sweet anymore. He's a good guy, though. Right now I'm sort of, kind of seeing Mark again without a good label to put on the relationship. I'm enjoying it.
I've taken up embroidery - cross stitch and couple other styles. I'm really enjoying it because it links very well with my other obsession - watching tv and movies.
I'm looking forward to the rest of this year. It has a lot of potential. 2004 turned out to be frustrating, if necessary. I'm hoping to accomplish something this year. Maybe a degree.

My school term is going better than my summer. I've been on anti-depressant medication for 3 months now and it seems to be working very well. My first couple weeks of school I was organized, on time, dressed nicely and had read all the material for each class. It was very nice and has not entirely gone away, but I did slack a little this weekend.
I have been anticipating this semester for a whole year, so that is why I'm working extra hard to stay on top of things. I am taking the necessary-for-graduation class that I dropped last fall and I am not going to drop out this time except for international disaster. This class is about how kids read and I am tutoring a student one-on-one. I met him last week and I am very excited about teaching him.
I am also doing new things in other arenas too. After a year with the same counselor, I am saying goodbye to her and starting group therapy. My experience with her has been one of the keys to the difference a year makes. I am hoping the same will be true of group therapy. I went to the first session last week and I talked more than I thought I would. While I was initially nervous, I have a good feeling about the situation.
In other news, I am now 24. Even numbers are good and will not lead to depression and doom.
I went to a spoken word open mic tonight and actually read a poem. It was about how I had disappointed my cunt. I talked about ignoring it and hurting it. I wrote the poem a few hours earlier at the request of my friends - we all wrote 'pussy poems'. It was a really moving experience to be among all these women and have a common purpose. Even though we wrote about different feelings and thoughts, we had a connection that I thoroughly enjoyed. I hope this is something I do again.
In fact, I hope I can keep doing all the things I've started recently. I feel like my life is finally going my way - because of me and my work and attitude. I am so happy.

So, my summer has not gone exactly as planned. At the beginning of June I went on a cross-country jaunt with my brother and sister for his graduation from high school. We went to St.Louis, Denver, San Francisco, Santa Fe and Bolivar, Tennessee. It took two weeks. My dad offered an opportunity for me to go because he didn't want me to move to Atlanta for the summer. I was weak and accepted. but it was lots of fun.
Now, 3 weeks after I got back, I am taking another alternative to finding a job. I'm going to visit my grandmother for a few weeks. My family is a little worried about her feeling lonely. They're worried about me being lonely too, so it fits.
I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on Monday. I'm nervous. I've been scheduled to see psychiatrists twice before, but I skipped the appointments. Hopefully that won't happen this time. I've gotten to the point where I really want to know what is wrong.
I am strangely hopeful about going to my grandmother's. I am taking my art stuff and books for classes, so I feel like I could get alot accomplished there, besides helping her with everyday stuff. In about two weeks, my mom and brother will come up to help paint part of her house, so I get to do the prep work for that. I love to paint. It's very messy. And Tennessee is a new environment to adjust to. If nothing else, I'll be too busy to remember I'm depressed.

School's out for summer. I am so relieved. I don't know about my grades yet, but I'm not horrified or completely scared. I know I have one A and the others will be in soon.

So now for the summer plans. I am going to find a job. a nice one. I'm hoping for one at an arts and crafts store where I can teach people to make pretty things. If not, I have experience in hotels and office situations. Or I could work at a day camp and teach little people to make pretty things.

Anyway, once the job is accomplished, I am moving in with Kat and Janelle(sp?). I want all my time not spent working to be in the happiest, most creative place I can be. I have lots of plans for this time (none of which I am counting on too heavily, so as not to go crazy), not the least of which is prepping for next semester in the Teacher Ed program. Taking the class I had to drop during the fall. The second time should be better - I even have a role model for it now - Atari, my PsiU brother and ex, has been accepted into the graphic design program at GSU on his second try. He stuck it out - past hard work, people doubting him and us breaking up. I'm incredibly proud of him.

So that's my story for now. I have to go soon - I'm getting up early to help my mom with Habitat for Humanity. It should be fun, teenagers and hammers. Goodnight.

I had stomach cramps tonight. It's not unusual. I've had them since high school. But I don't remember having them in the last year. Most likely it was the food I ate, but I was thinking... I've been more depressed in the last year than any time in my life. I was just starting to feel better - Spring was inspiring me to be alive. What if it's a trade-off? If I'm reasonably stable, then my stomach kills me, if I'm wallowing in self-doubt, then my stomach is perfect.

I have decided to become a superhero. This seems like the perfect way to accomplish my goals and overcome my fears. Normal Heather is intimidated by her classes, but it is no problem for SuperWoman. She can use all the time that Normal Heather wastes being bored to finish assignments and read for class. She can remember to do the laundry and clean the car while Normal Heather would still be bored.
The strange thing is, I don't think this will be hard. Not only do I feel that I can get everything done, I think becoming SuperWoman will be relatively easy. Hope and energy are seemly coming from nowhere. For the moment, I am not going to question it. I am going to sink into this transformation and watch myself achieve. If it doesn't work, oh well. But right now I have confidence that SuperWoman can overcome Normal Heather's stumbling blocks and soar.

I am bad. I skipped class today. I started out by just being late, then I decided I was starving and eating was more important than class. This logic does not hold out long. I mostly enjoy class when I go, but any thought of effort outside the classroom (including waking up) is soon ignored. I hate this because it fucks up my life plans. Also, it's extremely hypocritical to become a teacher if you don't like school. So here I am. A lazy hypocrite with no future.

That was my 'critical parent' talking. My counselor and I talk about that alot. It's the voice that overwhelms me with what I'm doing wrong. I think this is why I like tops - when I've done something wrong, they'll tell me and then punish me and then it's over. I don't have to be constantly nagged from the inside.

I did not get a part in the Vagina Monologues. I don't know this because of a rejection call(which would have been nice), but rather because it's been two weeks since the callback and they should be well into rehearsals by now. Oh well. I had fun with it, and I don't feel like a complete talentless reject, because I did get a callback.
Alot has been going on. School, magazine, dating. random attacks of pointless fear. pardon me if I sound testy - life has gotten much better, but I'm currently having terrible cramps. I was supposed to go see a psychiatrist last week(for the fear, not the cramps), but I skipped the appointment. the same thing happened about this time last year too.

I feel like a super star. My day was going along very suckily (if I may make my own word), much like the other post and then I got a call. I was called back to do another audition for the Vagina Monologues at GSU. I am very happy. I will go in again on Saturday and do my best.

I had not auditioned for anything since I left Tech. I am so excited. My head is spinning around. I don't care if I get it. Just getting called back feels like an affirmation of my life goals.

I was so angry in class today. The professor split us into groups to read and discuss Pericles' Funeral Oration. Then he tells us he wants us to 'deconstruct' it. I had not done this before (which makes me think my education is somewhat lacking), and it was really confusing. So I was on edge. and then he keeps talking about the method and the text and I can't read with him talking, so I'm more on edge. And then he realizes that this is the last ten minutes of class. So he hurries us to read and discuss a new text in a new way in 2 minutes. I was so frustrated. I wanted to strangle him.

Part of it, I'm quite sure, is the fact that I didn't get to sleep last night until nearly 7. I was in bed and ready to sleep at 2:30, but then I got an important idea, that wouldn't go away. I got up and entertained my idea, but then I couldn't sleep. So now I'm tired and caffeinated. Blargh.

I am late for class. This is so typical of me. but living in the boondocks means that an hour before class, I'm late for class. It's fun stuff. I've decided to use the time to be ready for my other class (which I enjoy more anyway)

This science class is kind of weird because she gives us assignments that 6th graders need to do. It's not all the time, or anything, but it's weird because while they're simple, they're also vague. Like one question is: The world and everything around us make up our _______. The wordbank then lists both environment and universe. It feels really tricky on one hand and like they're suppose to memorize the textbook on the other. This is why I have doubts about becoming a teacher.

I have decided to use my journal again. It's been a long time, but I think I'm ready.

I am currently at home. Dealing with a cold. and listening to my aunt and cousin debate the sins of US foreign policy. This is something I can't help but find depressing. But other things are looking up.
I just started the semester. I have 2 history classes and 2 sciences. The sciences are fun. My lab partner and I try to blow up the world. (it was easier last semester when we were doing physics. this semester it is mostly geology) The histories are ok. I have one world and one american, one just for teachers and the other is for all majors.
As always, I am excited about journaling. Hopefully, this will last.

I made bread for the first time today. It was one of the little miracles. My sense of accomplishment is amazing and it is for something so basic to human life.